A Year in Full

So I failed to post on Sunday night (again), but this time I had a good reason. Sunday, September 30th marked my one year wedding anniversary to my wonderful friend, husband, lover, and partner. We pretty much spent the whole day at home lounging after a ridiculously heavy home-cooked breakfast (thank you SmittenKitchen!), the power of which we vastly underestimated. This anniversary, the first of many, proved a good time to pause and reflect on the challenges and accomplishments of the past year as well as the lessons learned. I am no expert on relationships and being married hasn't changed that. But here are a few insights I think are worth sharing:

There will be things that drive you crazy - I know this is not news but I can honestly bear witness to the fact that there will inevitably be things that your partner does that will annoy you and you him or her. If your 'list' of ideal qualities and deal-breakers includes things like 'organized and neat' or 'has the same idea of romance/communication/social activity as me' you might want to rethink how important these are. Admittedly my husband and I were really lucky to have recognized our love and compatibility rather quickly, so we skipped over a lot of the 'learning about the quirks' process until after we were engaged and then married. We've since discovered that we both have unique ways to annoy one another - he embraces disorderliness and seems to think I can predict the weather and I frustrate him by making plans and revealing them to him as an after-thought. Being married takes getting used to. But we love each other and we acknowledge this in words and actions every day. So be sure to discern the subtle distinction between simply having high standards and being picky and uncompromising. No one is perfect and you will be surprised how flexible love can make you!

It's all part of the game - Remember that awesome Micheal Douglass movie, The Game, where he plays a wealthy but bored-to-death bachelor who signs up for a mysterious game with a company that then begins to terrorize him? The entire movie you ask yourself whether or not the whole thing is a giant con or really a game. Well I can't tell you how many times this year we have referred to that movie in order to put tense situations into a larger, life-size perspective. Believe me, dealing with U.S. immigration and living on literally $20 for a couple of weeks until the next student loan disbursement comes through is no fun. But having a perspective-shifting mechanism as an individual or a couple works wonders.

Empathy and Evolution are key - One of the most important lessons my husband has taught me is the importance of empathy in any relationship. He constantly challenges me to think and feel and consider beyond boundaries I have set between myself and others, including him. I am learning how to be more considerate, selfless, and thoughtful. Mind you, I wasn't a horrible person to begin with, but I feel like I've evolved in this past year. My younger sister has already attested to this - to my chagrin. Even admitting this takes a level of humility and the realization that we all have room for growth along various dimensions. Allowing people to impact you positively in these areas is part of what relationships are about. It is a constant give and take.

Ladybugs, lots of Ladybugs - If you know me, you know that one of my all-time favorite movies is Under the Tuscan Sun. Though it fits squarely under the dreaded 'chick flick' category it is actually full of profound insights about life and love and happiness...no gagging please. One of the stories told to the main character played by Diane Lane by a friend is that when said friend was young she used to search in the grass for ladybugs for hours in vain. Finally, frustrated and tired, she would just give up and nap. When she would wake up she would have ladybugs crawling on her. The message is simple: sometimes the best way to find what you are looking for is to just relax and be and let it come to you. Whether what you want is your partner, your next professional opportunity, or some standard of 'happiness.' While I know this to be true, I am still coaching my over-stimulated brain to sometimes slow its pace. I am still learning to appreciate the pauses, the in between times, the lazy moments without plans, and empty spaces. I find this an even greater and perhaps more important effort in a couple. Not only am I constantly thinking and wanting and planning for myself, but my stress level, anxieties and lengthy to-do lists are obviously impacted by the thoughts, actions, wants and needs of my husband. Relationships of any kind, especially a marriage, do hold the possibility of double the stress. Celebrating the present moment, however unfinished or incomplete, rather than the constant search for future fulfillment is so necessary.

All in all, we've had an awesome first year. It went by in the blink of an eye, as if I had walked down the aisle a month ago. We are blessed and never fail to acknowledge this to ourselves and each other and try to live in a way as individuals and a couple that is deserving of this blessing. It helps that we have a loving community of family and friends to keep us in check. May the adventure continue!

Do we 'have it all' wrong?

Photo by Phillip Toledano. The Atlantic Magazine, July/August 2012

Whether or not you've tuned into the recent debate prompted by The Atlantic's cover story, "Why Women Still Can't have it All," by Anne-Marie Slaughter, you are likely already familiar with this old debate: Have we reached a point as a society where women can be as successful as we want to be both in our personal and professional lives? As women, can we truly "have it all"? What surprised, disappointed, saddened and even angered many readers was the fact that Anne-Marie Slaughter, former and first woman director of policy planning at the U.S. Department of State under Hillary Clinton and tenured professor at Princeton, responded with a firm "nope."

According to Slaughter, even with the full support of a committed partner, "juggling high-level government work with the needs of two teenage boys was not possible." Once her two year term in DC was over, she rushed back home to Princeton where her family and tenured academic position were waiting. According to Slaughter, the reactions of her friends and colleagues ranged from sympathetic (oh, how unfortunate!) to condescending (maybe it's just you?). 

The typical young Generation X or Y young woman has been raised to think of her ideal future 'self' as an educated, successful career woman, with a life partner, children and a busy productive life well into retirement years. We are academics, entrepreneurs, artists, business women and we are daughters, sisters, mothers, aunties, godmothers, girlfriends, wives. We are raised to believe that these two categories need not overlap and limit each other. I'm sure many of us can at least imagine the feelings of guilt and even shame at not accomplishing what has now become a 'feminist' expectation of doing everything at once, 'having it all.' But is it so wrong to want to make compromises for a more balanced life? Does that make one old-fashioned, lazy, or unaccomplished? 

Part of what is to blame, Slaughter points out, is the so-called feminist mantra of trying to be everything and do everything, without compromise. She admits, "I’d been the one telling young women at my lectures that you can have it all and do it all, regardless of what field you are in. Which means I’d been part, albeit unwittingly, of making millions of women feel that they are to blame if they cannot manage to rise up the ladder as fast as men and also have a family and an active home life (and be thin and beautiful to boot)."   

Perhaps everything all the time, is not what it's cracked up to be? One of the most practical and sage pieces of advice I’ve received from one of the many professional women in my family is to plan to be ‘off balance on purpose’ in different areas and times of life. This means rather than striving to do it all, all of the time, be realistic and know what to prioritize when.

Don't get me wrong - I am not in complete agreement with Slaughter. For many women it is possible to juggle both career and family obligations. My own mother is a great example. As a high-level official within the U.S. Agency for International Development, she has managed to excel in her career and be there for me and my sister. But she was able to do so with the support of my wonderful father who, after his own career in finance and at USAID, took on the role of a stay-at-home-dad as he developed into a professional artist. While things are not always perfect in our household, my parents are my example of what a good partnership can accomplish. 

Obviously this is not the typical set-up among most couples. In her 2011 Barnard Commencement address, Sheryl Sandberg, former COO and first female member of the Board of Directors for Facebook (as of last week), noted that generally "men make far fewer compromises than women to balance professional success and personal fulfillment." She sited data stating that among heterosexual couples women do, on average, twice the amount of housework and three times the amount of childcare than their male partners. Ironically, Sandberg advised the audience of young women that "the most important career decision you're going to make is whether you have a life partner and who that partner is."

But what if we are asking ourselves the wrong question to begin with? What if instead of debating over the possibility of 'having it all' we should be discussing what 'having it all' really means? 

Oddly enough, some profound insights about life shared by Clay Christensen, a Harvard Business  scholar and an MBA favorite, may bring some clarity to this often obscure dialogue. Christensen, who has advises the leaders of many of the world's most successful companies, asks his students on the last day of class to answer a few thought-provoking questions, including: "First, how can I be sure that I’ll be happy in my career? Second, how can I be sure that my relationships with my spouse and my family become an enduring source of happiness?" These questions are, to me, much more salient than the vague notion of 'having it all,' and perhaps a better compass for success and happiness over the long-term.

In his article, "How Will You Measure Your Life?" Christensen employs six business insights and frameworks as guiding principles. He points out how people, like many companies, say they want to accomplish X and yet allocate all of their resources, including time and energy, to Y. He explains,"if you study the root causes of business disasters, over and over you’ll find this predisposition toward endeavors that offer immediate gratification. If you look at personal lives through that lens, you’ll see the same stunning and sobering pattern: people allocating fewer and fewer resources to the things they would have once said mattered most."

Clay Christensen. The guy with the answers?

In 2010 Christensen was diagnosed with cancer. He ends his article with simple words of advice: "I’ve concluded that the metric by which God will assess my life isn’t dollars but the individual people whose lives I’ve touched. I think that’s the way it will work for us all. Don’t worry about the level of individual prominence you have achieved; worry about the individuals you have helped become better people. This is my final recommendation: Think about the metric by which your life will be judged, and make a resolution to live every day so that in the end, your life will be judged a success."

While Christensen finds his own grounding in his Christian faith, I find his advice relevant in my own life, which is decidedly nonreligious. Plan your life as you would your baby start-up venture. Have a strategy and allocate your resources accordingly. Think long-term. Cultivate and maintain the relationships you need. Choose the right metrics for measuring your success and take time to evaluate yourself along those lines.

I think as women, we often get so caught up in trying to push boundaries, make statements, and live up to societal ideals and expectations, that we set aside these universal truths and quickly find ourselves lost, burnt-out, and falling far short of our potential happiness. Is 'having it all' really the 'end all be all' or do we have it all wrong?

Love is Stronger than Pride, but Boundaries Must Abide

By Brittany and Candace

One of the hardest things in life is realizing there are boundaries, or limitations, on what we can accomplish, how we can act, or what we can do. Sometimes these boundaries are arbitrary, or socially conceived based on the schema and expectations external forces have for us. Other times they are tangible rules and regulations imposed by people we despise, revere, or respect. It’s true that “the sky is the limit” to what we may conceive, and possibly achieve, but in our dealings with others we must adhere to norms. We are not programmed to consider boundaries in the “emotional” sense, however, until it is often “too late.”

Setting boundaries for ourselves is often the reaction to someone carelessly treading over and through our sacred places, rather than the pre-meditation.  This seems counter-intuitive but we are a society that romanticizes the act of “falling” in love and favors notions of kismet, vulnerability, and the delicious randomness of that time. We walk around dazed and ill prepared for the ways lack of consideration and drama (that is independent of you and even indiscriminate) can wreck our inherent fragility. Like virgins that may be new to the act of sex, but may be familiar with intimacy we believe that our previous experiences with hurt can prepare us for the shameful realization that our essence, our goodness was diminished (even temporarily) for intentions that were not our own.

But as with anything subject to time, we heal and we learn from our mistakes. One of the biggest lessons is that boundaries do not necessarily “restrict” you from love.  They do not bar positivity and light from coming in, they slow down baggage, weight, material (anything that is not light). In healing, many of us may identify the boundaries that need to be set either with the one that hurt us or (even better) with the ones that may love us in the future. Slowly we celebrate our new-found certainty and restored sanctity. We regain our confidence and hope. We become happier and, because of this, our light shines brighter.

This light inevitably attracts those broken ones that hurt us. They come back for validation that you are still prone to their magic, or for reassurance.  They are entranced by this new facet or they cannot bear the thought that you have found something they seek. And because this energy is selfish it rocks the foundation you just built. What are you supposed to do and why is this new glitch so devastating?

We've all had the dreaded encounter of seeing your ex for the first time after your breakup. You go from being the reasonably composed, socially adjusted, emotionally mature woman you've been working on getting back to being, to a wreck in ten seconds flat. For those of you who have watched countless episodes of 'Sex in the City' like me, this is basically the Carrie-and-Big-effect. Its how a sophisticated, educated and dazzling woman can morph into a cast member of ‘Basketball Wives’ at the speed-of-light.

"The Carrie-and-Big-effect." Photo from annawalker1992.blogspot.com

But what happens when you move past this stage? When you are no longer emotionally overwrought but merely indifferent to the presence of your former flame? You wish them no ill-will and in fact you genuinely desire their happiness, but that is where it ends. You're not interested in re-opening the lines for mutual friends, participating in group hangouts or even getting together to reminisce about the highlights of your failed relationship. While your heart has been mended, it seems as though your ex is still seeking closure. The young man who appeared so callous as you cried about the ending of a love you thought was forever is suddenly distraught by the notion that his all-access pass to your mind, body and soul has been revoked. And why? After all of this time why now?

My best-friend Morgan, who is a sage when it comes to dynamics between men and women, best explains it as this, “Women are more fluid than men. To picture it we are more linear while they are cyclical. A woman begins to mourn a relationship the moment it's over, while a man may not process his emotions about the same event until months or even years later.” Those months or years of emotional delay can be filled with seeming happiness and maybe a new girlfriend or two, but his day of mourning will still come, and he will be on your doorstep, the other end of your line, or showing up in the mentions of your Twitter feed looking for closure.

So what are you supposed to do? What is your obligation to this person whom you only have the best wishes for, but who you do not wish to have as a part of your life?

The short answer: Do whatever feels right to you.

Too often as women we are herded into archaic notions of gender roles that serve only to our detriment. I am reminded of my well-intentioned mother telling me to still be nice to my ex, even after he had hop-scotched all over my heart and blew in and out of my life leaving destruction in his wake. And I realized my mother meant well, but she was of a different time. A time when women were praised for their politeness and compliance. And a time where “causing a scene” was a heinous offense. But ladies it's 2012 and we live in a world where we are truly free to do whatever the hell we want. YOLO anyone?

So when you get that random text from your ex, or see a friend request from a familiar-but-forgotten-face remember the progress you've made and the work you put in to move on from the situation you shared with that person. And don't let anyone cross your personal boundary and ruin your state of peace in an effort to find themselves. They have their journey and you should remain firmly planted in your own.

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Brittany is a regular contributor; you can read her bio here. Candace is an NYU and Spelman-educated journalist currently completing a fellowship at the Village Voice in New York City.